Are you exhausted just thinking about the best ways to make Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas as divisive and miserable as possible for family and friends?

Are you concerned that your 6-year-old, who has a better chance of dying from walking in front of a bus than dying from COVID, might get the CCP virus from your unvaccinated uncle?

Do you wish you had an easy way for guests to know who they should and shouldn’t talk to or get too close to when it comes time to choose a seat at the dining room table?

Well, you’re in luck. The CDC has published its brand new guidelines for how family and friends should interact with their loved ones—just in time for the holidays.

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If you have a relative or friend who needs to travel to get to your home but isn’t vaccinated, you might want to start by convincing them to stay home. The CDC recommends unvaccinated people stay home and celebrate with the cat.

For unvaccinated local guests who can make the trip without endangering others, you might want to have a box of surgical masks handy, just in case you have an inconsiderate relative who forgets to mask up. Because according to the CDC, if your guests aren’t vaccinated, and you’re going to be entertaining inside, they need to wear a mask.

Of course, there’s no guidance for those who’ve suffered through COVID and now have natural immunity, because unlike those who’ve taken the vaccine and are discovering its efficacy had dropped to below 50%, “it’s just too soon” for Dr. Fauci to know if natural immunity provides better protection than being vaccinated. To be safe—if you’ve had COVID and have been around others with COVID and never contracted it, you should still wear a mask. But vaccinated people who are shedding the COVID virus like a snake sheds its skin—they don’t need to wear a mask according to the CDC guidelines. There is one caveat, before allowing a vaccinated person to go maskless inside your home, you should ask them to provide an up-to-date map of where they’ve been to be sure they haven’t visited any COVID hot spots in which case, they too will need to mask up.

And finally, you may want to order your meal from a local restaurant. Unfortunately, you’re going to be so busy figuring out the logistics of how to keep your unvaccinated guests in line with the recommended CDC guidelines that you may not have time to keep an eye on the turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Hanukkah, and Merry Christmas from the CDC, the government agency that’s been dividing Americans for almost 2 years.

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